Karrachay never sounded bettaaaah

*FM 103*

“Hello Krachayyy!! DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa here on this lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely lovely?.. lllovvely?.(pauses here for an eternity)? dark Sunday evening!! Hahahahaha!”

This is radio sachal, now called Mast radio and has the most amazing DJ *ever*. She interrupts in the -middle- start, beginning, end and everything which comes in between, of every song, and often times I think her producers have to literally press the kill switch on her as she just doesn’t stop talking.

“Me, myself and I, DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa” (as she refers to herself) not only interrupts the music every 20 seconds, but frequently says stuff which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Not only that, in days of listening to her on and off, I’ve never actually heard her say *anything* of any value. Most dj’s say something about the music, contribute to world peace etc. or at the least talk about their last hair cut, but this dj can’t even manage that.

Anyone who complains about her constant repetition of the same three appalling 80’s songs gets a verbal lashing as she confidently states:

bq. “Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing in the world can beat DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa’s music.” (followed by a _(soon to be trademarked and insured)_ hideously boisterous laugh).

She asks very strange and provocative questions of the callers such as the following exchange:

bq. DJ C: “Assalamailaikum and good evening caller!” (even though it?s the middle of the night)
Caller: “Jee Hello?.”
DJ C: “Hello! Moo-hahahahahaha? (surprised resounding laughter?laughter that the caller managed to squeak out a hello). “Whats your name?”
Caller: “Mii nem is Salman. Eye yam calling from Korangi Krak”
DJ C: “Mmm.. Salman?Do you have pretty eyes?”
Caller: No, I don’t think so.
DJ C: “You should check mine out.”
Caller: “Why? Are they pretty?”
DJ C: “You Bet!!!!!!!! Better than your wildest dreams!!! Why don’t you come over and check them out!!”
Caller: uuhhhhhhhhh?..
DJ C: Ok, I love you?. Miss me?. We’ll meet again, if not in real life then definitely in your dreams. *muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!*

*Click*

She keeps belching out “Come on Krachay!” and “Let’s go!”" in a highly excited voice all the time, and other such random stuff. Let’s go where? Some one please tell her that this isn’t an aerobics show – it?s a radio station for crying out loud! She’s also quite rude to her callers, and insults them with abandon.

Caller 2:

DJ C: Hello, AOA, whats your name?
Caller: My names Sohail (cut off)
DJ C: Sohail!!! Hahaahahaha! And hows Salman? Hahahahaahahahahahaha!!
Caller: what? (cut off)
DJ C: hahahaha kayraachi never sounded so good!!
————–end call————

During Jawad Ahmed’s famous song “Tu meree kee lagti” she belched out another gem (wait for it)? “hahahahaha? Call in and main tumhe baatoin gee ke hum tumhara kya lagta! hahahaha”. Needless to say, in the next 4 nanoseconds Karachi’s frustrated male population managed to choke up the stations landlines.

Here’s a typical aural experience tuned into the only station with a goddess host:

bq. “tum tara tum *(MC Hammaaaa!)* tum tara rum *(All yours!)* tum tar a ra ra ra ra ra ra tum *(DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa!)* can’t touch this.. mm tum tar a ra *(Lllllet’s go!!!!)* tum tum ta (Hahahahhahaaa I love my laugh! I’m gonna ask you guys to pay to listen to it!) tum tar a ra (I’m should get it insured!) tum tar a ra

Her show is by far the most enjoyable out of all the stations, as you never know what she’ll do next. I guarantee that a 20 minute listen will surely echo in your head every step of your next 24 hours. She’s crazy, man. She’s intense. Revolutionary. Her unique perspective on caller’s whereabouts:

“It seems from your frequency that you are at seaview. Are you not? Are you sure? Don’t try to deny it?.Ok, you are at Hill park. Mmmm? you are at Hillpark. Don’t be at Hill park because it’s dangerous! Bad things happen there hahahahahahaha because I am there watching you and I’m with you. If you want to see me, look at the stars. Yeah! Just Look Up!! You’ll see angels, and any angel you see is me, floating softly around you, caaaarrrying a hammer!!! Have you been hit by my hammer because I love you!

*Oh Shit* (The viewer gasps in mental anguish). Screeeeech! Bam. Ow. Another victim to Craaasssalaaaaaa’s long and ever-increasing list. Angels are fine with me, but hammer wielding angels are beyond the pale. I for one don’t care to be bopped on the head with a hammer – I don’t need that much love.

“DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa!!”

Who is this woman? Is it a woman?

“Here we go!?”

A eternity ago, one fine Tuesday evening as I was driving merrily home ensconced in a warm blanket of security _(or was it the ac which wasn’t working?)_ when suddenly Kylie’s ‘can’t get you out of my head’ was drowned by a ear splitting shriek: *”WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!”* I swerved left and right, the hair on the back of my neck standing up, warm blanket ripped all to shreds as I craned my neck looking left and right, not to mention forwards all at the same time. *”Kaaayrraaacchhhay? cause me myself and I, DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa is in da house!!!!!!”* Was it the radio? Could that hideous noise have emanated from the radio? Was it even capable of such loud volumes? Did I run over a cat? I was still wondering when 20 seconds later DJ Craaasssalaaaaaa started up again.

“Karrachay never sounded bettaaaah!!”

_DJ Crasala can be found on FM 103._

Article by KO, MO and Gul Mawaz, written for and published at ‘bandbaja.org’:http://bandbaja.org/